When and How to Cut the Ties of Bad Family Relationships | WeHaveKids
A hostile relationship with an adult sibling is a heartbreaking reality for communication has become superficial, strained or non-existent. Is ending a relationship with your brother or sister ever the right thing to do? . And sometimes they're able to shed an old identity; a family will. Her older sister made each meal miserable, with snide comments about a highly supportive sibling relationship; 19 percent had an apathetic.
Dysfunctional parents often overtly favour one child over another, and the siblings are then set up to compete for parental attention. Equally, when parents are withholding of nurturing, siblings often become rivals for the few crumbs of affection they're hoping that their parents might dole out.
Children who grow up in dysfunctional families often feel hurt, rage and frustration toward their parents but most of the time, they're too afraid to express these feelings directly toward Mom or Dad. It's a lot easier to take out their feelings on their siblings, because the stakes are a lot less high, so instead of bonding together out of a painful shared experience, they often end up venting their hurt and anger at each-other.
Sometimes, one sibling wants to be close to the other, but their sister or brother rejects them. It can be out of jealousy - siblings from troubled homes often mistakenly perceive that the other child got "more" of the love, attention and care than they themselves did. This certainly happened with my patient Estelle.
In the case of Greta, her parents forced her to be the surrogate mother for her two younger siblings, and this created a life-long tension between them as adults.
Her siblings expected too much of her, and also resented the power she'd had over them in her parental role, even though it was never what she'd wanted.
Many children who grow up in troubled homes hold on to the hope that maybe, one day, they'll finally be able to get some love and positive attention from their parents. They'd prefer to reject their siblings rather than risk alienating their parents' affections and missing out on the possibility of some belated, but better-late-than-never love.
My patient Sasha's sibling did this with her, but never got what they hoped for from their folks. Sadly, these individuals would do better to connect with their sisters and brothers, as the likelihood of hurtful parents turning around and suddenly becoming capable of loving their adult children is slim to none.
I've seen far too many of these troubled sibling relationships, and the tragedy of these is that, having such a unique and powerful shared experience, and knowing exactly what the other person went through, siblings could potentially have a very close bond and be there to support each-other, going forward.
Far too often, the opposite occurs. If you have a troubled relationship with one or more of your siblings, perhaps these thoughts can put your own experience into perspective. These are just two situations that can destroy other family members lives. Amy 7 weeks ago I'm 20 and live with my parents.
My mother is manipulative and controlling to the point that I want out. It's a repeating cycle of abuse and I doubt it will change. I financially can't support myself to move out and don't have a job since my mother has made it clear she doesn't want me to have one probably so I can't be on my own. I could move in with my boyfriend who my family hates and we've looked into the financial "burdens" we might face, but I know that my family would disown me.
I need distance, but don't want to cut all ties. My family says that they'll always be there for me, even if I leave and have to move back in. But my parents have made it clear that if I have to move back in after leaving they will purposely make my life more difficult.
They're already doing it with my relationship with my boyfriend since I stood up to them and said that I want to continue a relationship with him.
My dad has even encouraged what I consider cheating, saying I can be in a "relationship" with my boyfriend but he has to be okay with me going out with other guys. If I've said I want to be in a relationship with one person, what makes it okay to go on dates with other people?
First I'm taught that it's not okay to cheat, then encouraged to do so?! I will admit that there are some problems between my boyfriend and I, but my parents refuse to talk to him. If we tell him that he'll say we're controlling you. I'm not going to tell him.
The Real Reason For Troubled Sibling Relationships | HuffPost Canada
I wish she could see that what she does, even if she wants to say it's out of love, ends up hurting me. I normally hide my self-harm, so for it to get to the point that I hit myself in front of her takes a lot.
I realize it may be pent up, but it seems like she's always the one to break the last straw and send me over the edge. Living here is toxic for my mental health. But cutting all ties would be worse for my mental health since I don't know entirely how my family would react.
Vicki 7 weeks ago My 17 year old grandson is abusing me. I plan to move away when he is 18, leaving him on his own.
The Real Reason For Troubled Sibling Relationships
I'm older and now ill, and he has recently taken to calling me names, waking me from sleep to rant and stomp around over nothing, throw hissy fits if there's no money, if I don't want his friends to come over etc. He won't attend schoolhe gets into my things, has hauled away many of my things, broken things that will cost money to repair, etc. He kicked something and it hit my kneecutting it. I tried counseling and they didn't do anything and released him, and I figure it's only going to get worse, I don't feel very safe around him, so I am going to be forced out of my home until I can be sure that he is off and on his own or living with other relatives.
Ellie76 2 months ago I've been verbally and emotionally assaulted by my 96 year old father for the last time. I do not care if I ever speak to him or my siblings ever again. I am SO angry! I was never close to my father. He is a functional alcoholic who physically, verbally and emotionally abused our mother through 67 years of a hellish marriage.
His abuse did not stop at her, although with us kids it was mostly verbal and emotional. That was the end for me. I am the black sheep, the outsider.
I did not conform like the others. I have never stayed in close touch with any of my siblings and when we visit I feel very much like that outsider. For example, at a gathering in August my sister had a small cake for my brother whose birthday had just passed and we all sang happy birthday.
My birthday was two days later. Having a hard time dealing with this anger. Wish I could express more. Just needed to get some stuff out. I wish you all peace of mind and love. I always had trouble in school but did graduate with a BS but just by the skin of my teeth. My little bother was the pride and joy and was everything thing my parents wanted but he never finished college.
I left for the military and stayed 25 years. I came back home when things were promised but the reneged on. Since my two sisters and him are very close it's like a gang up on me. My brother will contradict anything I say and even insults my military service.
Even when I tried to talk to my parents about the stuff I went through my last 8 years my parents would say "well your brother puts in some long hours too. I left the area for a year doing contract work in Saudi and came back nothing changed. I am really about to just leave and never contact any of them again. I was estranged from my abusive and mentally ill mother for more than 18 years. She has borderline personality disorder, narcissistic traits, and is something of a grifter. Most of my extended family would have nothing to do with me after I cut my mother out of my life.
She worked hard to turn people against me. She never once tried to see my three children during that time. My older brother, a felon and drug user, wouldn't let me see his children whom I was close to. After he died last year, two of his children, now adults, came back into my life. I also let my mother back into my life as I felt sorry for her. She's now years-old, and her health is fragile.
I figured that she could no longer hurt me. They've brought me nothing but pain. My niece who said she loved me and wanted to be part of my life, really only cared about using me for money. I told my mother about it in confidence, worried that my niece might have a drug problem, and she abused my trust and carried that info, and likely some embellishments, back to my niece.
My niece suddenly quit speaking to me, breaking my heart. My mother did that on purpose. She has also turned my younger brother's new wife against me. He'd married her a couple of days after meeting her, and I thought that was fishy.
I told my mother and she took that information right back to her. I will never tell her anything again. My husband said that my mother is my worst enemy, and I think he's right. Besides that, I was repeatedly sexually abused by a cousin who's eight years older than me during my childhood. When I told my mother about it when I was 28, she didn't believe me and made excuses for him. I've told other family members, and they too apparently don't believe it or could care less as my abuser is on their Facebook friend list!
Last week, another cousin, whom I'd confided in a couple of years ago about my sexual abuse, invited me to his son's birthday party via Facebook's invitation system. I saw that he had also invited my abuser. I'm now to the point of closing my Facebook account and not having anything to do with any of them.
I just can't deal with the pain any more. I pay rent I buy all my own things. She hates me, they always use me as the scapegoat in their live. All they want from me is money and for me to fail. For about 4 years of her early life I took care of Her and my Brother. Like she was raped, then seen with her attacker a month later. Lying about it until someone else said they seen her and she fessed saying it was her friends that forced her.
I just want to distance myself but the farther she goes the more I blame Myself SK 2 months ago Never knew how I was being treated till I got married, moved far away from home where my visit was not able easily and the thought of me visiting her over time grew hostile inside never knew why until years later why I was feeling angry.
Her controlling behavior, her abusive words, i didn't like it but put up with it because she is my mom. All the things i have done for her even going that extra miles never knowing why then and I was doing it to seek approval and love from her. I still have bitter feelings from all the flashback memories that trigger now and then.
I don't know how to block them out or forget them, they just come to me. She will never apologize, have no remorse, she's the victim in all this not her children. She hasn't even tried to reach out to me or my kids, not a word.
That tells me how little she even cares about me or them. Still now and then I wonder if I am to blame for breaking off ties with her. Rhi 2 months ago Never assume a family estrangement is a simple matter of egos or petty squabbles. I have encountered many people in support groups online and in person whose choice to cut ties is based on personal safety. Family estrangement is often no different than women leaving abusive boyfriends or husbands.
You wouldn't tell a woman: You owe him a relationship! There is no legal obligation to talk to blood relatives, so don't try to force contact. My parents were emotionally, physically and mentally abusive throughout my childhood and teen years, including an attempt to have me kidnapped and indoctrinated in religion, "cured" of my attraction to men and that's fifteen years before I transitioned.
My "brother" is so violently homophobic and transphobic he would likely kill me, much like the violent assaults he has perpetrated. What, exactly, am I supposed to gain by contacting them? Estranged people I know tell me that meddlers and flying monkeys are among the worst problems.
People assume they are "helping" while acting from ignorance or acting on their own personal biases. So-called "professionals" are among the worst because they are paid to take sides and could have influence in legal matters.
Someone who blindly believes "family is everything! Someone who only hears the abusers' side might stupidly give information without permission and endanger someone's privacy, mental health or safety. There are cases of men believing the fictions of abusive ex-husbands and stalkers "my wife won't let me see my kids! I'm sure that some estrangements are just minor arguments that got blown out of proportion. But don't arrogantly or ignorantly assume that accounts for the majority.
Even if there is no estrangement someone wants to "go native" and cut all ties from their pastit must be respected. JK 3 months ago I have 2 sisters, I'm the middle child. Always responsible with money, never in any trouble, closer to our parents. After our parents passed away about 9 and 10 years ago, there were behaviors about the estate that ended up with me cutting ties with my younger sister.
She's a horrible person and I just decided that now that our parents are gone I don't have to put up with her hateful and abusive treatement. My older sister was also really nasty to me but seemed to be remorseful in the end.